If this doesn't make you want some Ranch Dressing...

Me and Foine have an ASIAN female co-worker who is pregnant. One night we were sitting around drunk off wine (well at least I was shout out to MARS) talking about her pregnancy and how cute she is preggers.  Her last name is WANG. Her is our convo:

Me: Awww...she's so excited about her baby! She's so cute preggers

Foine: Yeah and Joshua is a really cute name.

Me: Oh they are gonna name him Joshua? Joshua Wang. That is kinda cute.

Foine: They should name him Party

Me: Party? Party Wang?

{a few seconds pass}

Me: bahahahahahahahahahahaLMAObahahahahahahLMFAOhahahahahahahSMHhahahahahLOLhahahahahahahahahahahaha  PARTY WANGS hahahahahahaha

Trannnysformers...More than Meets the Eye

This week's edition of FOINE working in the Tenderloin...

So as I am walking down the street, I think to myself, "Hey that's a tall tranny."  Then I think to myself, "Hey that's 3 trannies."  Evidently I must have stared a little too long because Tall Tranny smirks at me and says to her cronies in a nasty tranny voice, "Yeah, it's like a Vienna Sausage and just slips right in."  

1) Why did I have to hear this tranny convo?

2) Why do trannies always have something crazy to say to me in the Tenderloin?  Can't they just back off?  I am not trying to invade their territory.  

3) Ewww.  A Vienna Sausage? Really?

Good 'ol Public Transportation

Guy on the street: Excuse me Ladies!!! Excuse me Ladies!!!

Me& Amina: Yes?

Guy on the street: Can I borrow some change? Can either of you help me out?

Me&Amina: Oh no. Sorry, we’re all out!!

Guy on the Street: That’s cool. Fuck ya’ll then. I’ll be breaking into one of ya’ll hoes cars.

Me&Amina: wow. Geezus

Amina: I should have been like "fuck you nigga I TOOK THE BUS!!"

Me: Break into that,Bitch. LMAO

R.Kelly: you remind me of my waterbed...I wanna surf ya!!

A convo between Flow and her LOVER

LOVER: you like your new bedroom furniture?

Flow: yep. Its so comfortable. I LOVE IT!!

LOVER: I bet you got an expensive ass mattress huh?

Flow: Nope.

{a few seconds pass}

Flow: Its a waterbed.

LOVER: Shut the F*ck Up!! LMAO!! You didnt get a Muthaf*!cken waterbed...hahahahahahahahaha

Flow: Honey. I swear. Its a waterbed.

(LOVER gets serious)

LOVER: Oh. WoW.

(LOVER seems scared)

LOVER: I havent seen a waterbed since 1989.

(Flow gets serious)

Flow: Oh.

(Flow gets less serious)

Flow: Just joking. honey. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. i'm gonna blog about this :-)

LOVER: ----

REGULATTORRSSSS! MOUNT UP!!

The other day I was getting out of the car in front of my house when a man on a bike sped past me. He looked just like Robert Townsend in that movie Meteor Man. I couldn't stop thinking about the movie and why Bill Cosby even had a role in it. And why did James Earl Jones keep switching those really RANDOM toupee's the whole movie?? Am I the only one who thought the over-grown fruit in the "meteor man garden/junk yard" looked GROSS And WHY-OH-WHY did Eddie Griffin agree to play the sidekick role when he never really sidekicked at all??By the end of the night I came to this conclusion:

I WILL CREATE A CULT OF SUPER HOT CHICKS WHO ONLY WEAR HOUSE OF DERON & LACE-FRONT WIGS AND CALL THEM "THE GOLDEN LORDS"...

...that was the REAL point of the movie right?? hmmmmmm

**A hellaFLOW production**

You want some coffee with all that sugar?

So as an international jet setter in NYC, F.A.N.D.A.N.G.O. Foine had to stop into *bucks to recharge her battery.  Here is how the conversation between her and her friend Mi Mi went hellarandom.

Foine: I will have a non-fat, single shot, sugar free caramel, white mocha. Grande.

Male Barista: Is that all miss thang.  (Please add your own hella comme si comme sa twang to it.)

Foine: Yes thank you.  So Mi Mi, if you don't want to go out tonight you don't have to.  I feel bad dragging you out after we have been out all day long already.

Mi Mi:  Oh don't wor--

Barista: I'm sorry, did I hear you say you are looking to see a drag show?

Foine: Uh, no I don't think so.

Barista: Oh, well if you want to see a drag show, I perform at Coconuts and Roxies all the time.  My name is Elliot, but I go by the name Vera Vidal now.  I used to be called Nancy.

Foine: Oh, okay. Thanks for that.

Barista:  Yeah, because I am like one of the best there are.  The best nights are Thursdays and Sundays.  I compete and win lots of money. 

Foine: Oka--

Barista:Yeah and I am like the best because I don't even use hormones.  Yeah. This is all natural.  So I get a lot of tips because when the ass is natural it is better.  And I only paid $25 for my chest.  It is really good.  

Foine and Mi Mi: Oh wow.  

Barista: Yeah and I wear a $100  jumpsuit under my clothes.  You ladies should try it.  It really sucks you in.

Foine: Oh thanks.

Barista: And Tuesday is lesbian night so...

Foine and Mi Mi: ---

Barista:  Yeah and I can get you in for $7 and it is great because it is $1 drinks tickets.  

Mi Mi: (Sarcastically) Oh $1 drinks huh?

Barista: It is really fun.  

Foine: (Looking crosseyed at Mi Mi) Oh too bad I am not in town until Tuesday.  Then we could have gone to lebiana night Mi Mi.

Mi Mi: Yeah too bad.

Barista: Okay here's your drinks.

Foine: Ok thanks gotta go.  Good luck at Coconuts. 

Now, what about us makes people 1) tell us way too much 2) talk to us way too much 3) Presume we are lesbiana and 4) Make us have conversations that are waaaaay awkward and hellarandom.  

DAZED & CONFUSED

Why is lieing a defense mechanism???
Why do people say things because they think it sounds good?
Why is it that you get a slap in the face for doing the right thing and being upfront and honest with a person?
Why do men just want to hit?
Why are women so emotional?
Why do people have to innately hurt and betray others?
If you're in a relationship, why not committ and just be happy?


Maybe the BIPOLAR disease has reached a pandemic. Which extreme do you want to choose? You obvioulsy know the words to woe the best.
Since when are humans just pendelums for you to sway?
Look what this does to a persons mental state...CRAZY!!!!

Have I lost my mind today? Hold that thought...I'm going to throw you a clue, and MAYBE you'll see my point of view.

Wait, it's too late, I'm going through an episode. To my dismay, I've been lead astray. My diagnosis of the illness that affects you puts many lives at stake. This has to be the last time.

Glad I'm not suffering from you.